Neither Lost nor Found

Yesterday, my volunteer friend Mitch and I were fortunate enough to visit one of the monastaries in Kathmandu. We met someone who was teaching English to the young monks.

En route to the monastery, you pass the well known Boudhanath Stupa. Considered to be one of the holiest sites in Kathmandu/Nepal and one of the biggest stupas in the world. It is really a breathtaking site. You can see many people circling the stupa (always clockwise) with their beads. Beyond the stupa we wound around small roads inhabited by many Tibetans. Most Tibetans exist here in Nepal in refugee camps having fled from Tibet in exile after the Chinese invasion and occupation. After a 15 minute walk, the monastery appears. It is outrageously beautiful ans such a contrast to the surrounding buildings. The walls are immaculately decorated. Balconies wrap around the monastery. The inset wall is painted with the most intricate of details of the birth, life, and death of Buddha. I can't imagine how long this all must have taken. My jaw hung to my feet. The head monk served us tea and biscuits. It always means so much more when you are made so welcome in a foreign place!

Our host told us stories about the young monks. They are just as you'd imagine all children to be. Unruly and mischievous. Their nicknames included 'America' (for his strut when he walks), 'Toothless' (for having no front teeth), Smiley, Clueless (for not being the sharpest tack!). One thing though, all these kids are apparently happy all the time. Some of these children are orphans. Some are here because their parents wanted their child to be a monk (each boy chooses to commit to this at aged 21. But if they choose not to, where do they go?) and some come because their parents cannot afford to keep them. Children in Nepal always seem to come with a story.

Nepal is an inevitable place to question your place in this life. I have had many a profound moment. Regardless, I'm nowhere closer to figuring out where me and God stand with each other.

But I neither feel lost nor found.

Acceptance. Forgiveness.

And so it is. The images on my camara are in someone elses hands and I have to learn ACCEPTANCE. I am fractured by the fact I cannot share my time here in images. Words can't ever do the colors I've seen justice. My mother says "I suggest first you forgive yourself" (my mother doesn't realize how many pearls of wisdom she has!). But I also have to learn to forgive the person who has my camara. I am likely to be the most fortunate in this situation.

ACCEPTANCE is my only way forward.

Letting go.

Letting go is sometimes the hardest of lessons. All my photos of Nepal, GONE! I feel defeated.

Unity, Magic, & Forget-Me-Nots.

I'm back in Kathmandu. Thinking about my time in Batle, Pokhara, Nepal. Last week may be the most memorable for me in Nepal. Filled with magic. Reminding myself to not forget to show gratitude to this life at ALL times.

I ended my time at the health post a day early so I could spend the last couple days with the Bastolas. Bimal my Nepali brother took me into Pokhara on his motorbike. The Annapurna range that morning was the clearest yet. Beautiful! Bimal and I visited one of the major temples in Pokhara. Placed high up looking over Pokhara. He showed me around his college campus. What a difference from the beautiful manicured campuses we tend to see. He is studying management and taking Korean classes (I'm sure he speaks more than three languages). All with the hopes that he can apply to work in another Asian country and make his way to Europe. I wonder how far he will get with his efforts. I'm sad to see the helplessness people feel with wanting to leave Nepal. Who wants to stay? Haven't met anyone yet.

Bimal took to me to a textile store and then to a tailor who measured me up for my very own 'cholo'. The traditional shirt the Nepali women wear. Bimal is an incredible character. I call him 'Bimal the Trustworthy one'. And for someone that has little money, he was insistent on giving me such an amazing gift! That morning over chia (tea) I quizzed Bimal about marriage in Nepal. In two years Bimal will be married. Around the same time, Shova will also be married even though she is younger. Girls are often married off first. The parents will choose someone they feel suitable. The family meets. The future husband and wife will then spend a few minutes alone (I wander what they would even talk about!). They re-unite with both families, agree to marry and three days later they are married. It's just that easy!

Again, I feel fortunate for the right and freedom to choose. I've always been a little sceptical of marriage. The fact that I'm asked multiple times daily if I'm married, and why not, and do I have a boyfriend, and WHEN will we get married (as opposed to "will you get married?"). And the fact that I've been proposed to many times by multiple Nepali (whether married or not) has me questioning the institution of marriage. I want to do what feels right at any given time but not have any regrets. And that's the best I can do. NO REGRETS! But, I will give credit where credit is due. David has been in my life now for 3 1/2 years. Never have I met someone more encouraging and empowering. He has given me ample room for growth. Not a day goes by I don't count myself lucky to be partnered with him. I thank the Gods that they placed us on on parallel paths, close enough that we can experience this life together. He is on his own adventure. Scaling the heights of Mt. McKinley with a ranger crew. We have many stories to share when we return. *You can follow his blog on BKLYN; Urban Pumalogy.

When we returned, the Bastola caste were preparing to harvest the corn and plant the rice in the same feilds. They had all been waiting for the right day when it had rained enough to fill the rice feilds. I could feel the anticipation in the air all week. The children, all excited to see me (as they always are when I return. Turns my heart to jelly!) were calling me. Aunu! Aunu! Chita! Chita! Come, come! Quick! Quick! They were excited to include me in the planting of the rice. Everyone is blessed with the customary tika on the forhead for harvest/planting season. All the women of course are thrilled to have me join in. Standing in the slushy mud bent over trying to plant my blades of rice grass perfectly. Either too far apart or not far enough! I discovered that NONE of what they grow is sold. The land that they have is vast so this surprised me. They keep it ALL. This is what they survive on! So it's no exaggeration to say that some of these families have no or little money unless of course one of the family works. Many of the fathers are absent for years at a time working in Qatar or Japan. My Nepali father included had spent 7 years in Qatar, away from his family to provide an income. Two of the young Bastola girls, Binita and Bidhya live with their grandmother. Both parents live and work in Japan only to visit every couple of years for a few weeks at a time. It's a sad reality.

The children all take me under their wings on most projects. I LOVE their company. Later in the day, some of them took me around the Bastola clan settlement. I had the royal lesson in all the fruits, vegetables and foliage that grows in the area. These children have a wild understanding of their growing world. Binita told me stories of the 'witch'. She is the mother of one of the Bastola wives. Apparently this old woman ate her husband and created a spell against her own daughter who mysteriously died! They kids try to stay clear of her small dwelling.

We picked flowers, "phul" as they told me their Nepali names and what they are used for. We stopped by one of the small temples, all making blessings and prayers throwing flowers in the temple as gifts to the Gods. As the day continued, the children kept disappearing and bringing me back bunches of flowers over and over! What a blessing!

Binita wanted to hear some American songs. I was always asking the children to sing me Nepali songs and then to translate them for me. So my turn. The first I played for her on my iphone, one of my favorites; Stevie Nicks' 'Landslide' (although I prefer Dixie Chicks' version. SShhhhh! Don't tell anyone!!). She insisted that I teach her how to sing it so I wrote down all the words and all afternoon and night we sang it together, sitting, walking, and planting rice under the bright moon.

"Oh mirror in the sky what is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail through the changing ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my Life?"

On the subject of songs, another song that was on my mind from when I first came to Nepal was Alanis Morissette's "Thank You". I remember many years ago, her explaining what inspired the song. I find myself completely aligned to it and I completely realize why this remained in my memory. She returned from India, spending her time simply after her new found world fame. As she was sweeping the floor she was overcome with gratitude for her lfe. I have swept the floors many times over here in Nepal. It is the first thing that is done upon waking up. Constantly, this song has woven through my thoughts. Sometimes it's the simple things in life where you find profoundness!

"Thank you India
thank you terror
thank you disillusionment
thank you frailty
thank you consequence
thank you thank you silence"

That night was my last meal. And I will say, I never enjoyed that Dal Bat more! My last!! Dal Bat is relatively "meato cha" (tasty) but when you have it three times a day, it get's old! I made sure that every time I had left for the weekend, to always return with the gift of 2kg of mangoes. Reprieve from all the rice! I'm so thankful that I never got sick from Ama's food. If you see how rugged her hands are and what they do throughout the day you'd be sure to think that a healthy bout of something would take over! But, thankfully not. I have to thank the lassi after every meal (their version of fermented milk kefer), full of probiotics, saving my stomach. Bimal also presented me with my Cholo. One of the greatest gifts I've received!

In the morning, I said my goodbyes. Ama told me, as she does on a daily basis, "Bimal, Shova, marry. You Nepal". She draped me with a silk scarf. Baba covered my forehead in the bright red tika and put another white scarf around my neck. Ama threw flowers over my head and put a dahlia in my hair. They will never know how much their presence in my life has meant to me.

Shova joined me for the night in Pokhara until my departure on the bus. I'm glad she was with me. we talked about marriage, the differences and injustices of women in the Nepali culture, pregnancy outside of wedlock etc etc into the night. She accepts her culture and follows it without hesitation. But Shova is completely aware of what it means being a woman in this culture.

As I left, she said "Don't forget me". NEVER!

Today I'm living on a prayer. I left my camera on a bus returning from a bungee excursion (And no I didn't jump. I went to spectate friends. I think sky diving is good enough for me! I only want to experience my stomach in my mouth ONCE!). I've been told it is likely to be returned to me. The idea of not being able to share images of my time kills me. I set up an alter in my room this morning. My 'cholo'. The sari Shova gave me. The necklace given to me by Ama's sister. Images of Hindu Gods. Flowers. All a reminder that GRATITUDE is the reason I'm here.

Never forget GRATITUDE!

They call me Nepali Annie!

Following the heart.

Spent the day parading around on scooters with the other volunteers. It was fun riding around in a huge group.... one of the guys thought it would be a good idea to try to ride a motor bike for the first time. That came to a swift end. He revved up the bike and went straight into a bus stop across the road, almost hitting a father and small girl, coming to an abrupt stop as his bike got stuck under some metal beams. No one was hurt so we felt quite guilt free to laugh until it hurt. Straight out of a movie. If it wasn't for the bus stop he would've gone straight into a small store with chickens flying out I'm sure. The image of that just makes me laugh! the whole incident quickly caused a scene as the local police started to demand to see our driving licenses. Between us all, we were able to swap licenses to show them and we were on our way. Such criminals!

The driving here is a free-for-all. No real rules on the road except for generally speaking you remain on the left but if a space opens up, just go! Love the madness of it all. No rules. No problem!

We drove to the river that we all swam in yesterday hoping for relief from the blazing sun again. Stairs that lead down to the river are a breathtaking steepness (and an equally breathtaking effort back up). Unfortunately, the river had grown big enough from the rain last night that we didn't swim. We had heard many stories of deaths including 2 last month fom people attempting to swim. Not going to take the risk! The same rock we had been jumping/sitting on was almost under water. A reminder that mother nature rules!

Tomorrow I return back to the Bastolas. I spend my last few days with them. They have scrambled for ideas to keep me there longer but I must follow my heart and spend the remainder of my time in Kathmandu. This culture depends on family. You proceed with family in mind always. Following your heart and making yourself happy is not an option. Your survival is based on family ties. It has a relevance but the western culture is ingrained in me and I have made my existence as independent as possible (I know when my mother reads this she'll agree!). I want to know that my survival in this world depends on me. My Bastola family could never relate.

To the freedom of independence and following the heart!

Gratitude.

Swam in the river run off of the Himalaya today. A relief from the heat and a tad cleaner than our Fewa Lake swim yesterday. I am reminded of Shasta waters and look forward to a brief visit to the 'Pura Vida'. Shasta air and water. Returning home is heavy on my mind and I wander constantly how life will feel. Will it bring tears? Will it bring change? Will I forget? Will I proceed through the universe differently?

I've been in town for the last couple of days enjoying my time with other volunteers. My spirits are high and I have GRATITUDE as a mantra in my thoughts and in my words throughout the day. It is a common theme here for us all. Yet, my heart feels the draw back to my Nepali family. I will spend one last week with them before I spend the remainder of my time in Kathmandu. I know leaving will be gut wrenching for us. I've become attached to them, and they to me in just this short time. Ama constantly pinches my cheek hard (almost to the point that it hurts a little too much but lets go in time) whilst telling me that I will return with David, get married (Marriage. A whole new topic for a young unmarried girl in Nepal. Why I didn't just say that I was married AND Christian from the beginning! It would've saved me so many perplexed and confused looks from other Nepalis!) and live in the cow shed. She points to her heart, and then to me and I see the sadness, and the love, and I am just filled with GRATITUDE that this beautiful family has come into my life.

I never want to forget this overwhelming feeling of gratitude!

REBIRTH

I am happy to be back to civilization!

Feeling enriched always as the days go by. It's all a habit now. I am woken by Ama or by the shreaks of Prakash ("Barkus") Bastola next door at 5:30am. Prakash is a happy boy of 4 who obviously was born with some brain injury. He walks like Big Foot (sounds ridiculous but there's no other way to best describe it). His tongue hangs out, he's mostly naked but takes his pants on and off at least 20 times in the hour. He does not formulate words, yet he tries to communicate in his own way. Ama serves me hot chia (back tea). I sit on the porch looking out at the fields attempting to wake up. I walk to the fields with Ama and Shova ("Shoba") and I help plant millet in between the rows of corn. They laugh at the fact that I can't squat with my feet flat on the ground. How annoying! Breakfast is served at 9-sh. Menu: Copious amounts of rice. AGAIN! At 9:45am I walk to the health post which closes at 3pm. More bat (rice) for lunch. Occasionally roti which I actually enjoy! I then read and write and await the children as they return from school. The next hours of the day, is what I enjoy the most. Children have a way of helping you live in the here and now. Transmuting any of my fustrated thoughts of the day. And, as much as I appreciate learning Nepali, I get to speak in ENGLISH! Ahhhhhh!

Yesterday, I was returning from the health post. The Bastola women were hailing me down to the rice feilds. "Annie Myallai. Aunu! Annie Myallai!" Annie my love. Come! The men and the women were preparing the terraced fields for rice. The men, direct two buffalo with the plow through the mud many times over, and the women pant the rice when each field is complete. They were showing off how fast the buffalo could plow through. Fast enough that one of the buffalo went over the edge! As I was leaving they insisted that I stay for lunch. Daily, one of the women (usually one with small children) will make a huge batch 'dal bat' for everyone. It was an honor that they wanted me there. The Bastolas have really taken me in as their own.

Last night, my immediate Bastola family, cooked me goat meat along with the regular dal bat. They rarely eat meat so it is a privilage to be honored (again) in this manner. This time Baba Homnath (my Nepali father) cooked. He is equally as good as Ama Sitar! This morning I was fed the left overs for breakfast. I was quick to notice the hairy meat. I want to be here in Nepal to try new things but I draw the line somewhere! Luckily I was able to discard the hairy morsels without being noticed. Last night, we ate in candle light (Nepal has power outages twice daily) and I'm glad to have never noticed what I was eating exactly.

Did I mention the leach attached to my foot as I was showering yesterday morning in the woods! I had been reading about leaches the night before. Was not expecting one to be attached to my foot in the morning!

The feeling of rebirth has been in the air the last few days. Puja my favorite of the Bastola children (I call her "Kushy Bahini"- 'Happy younger sister') showed me her baby goats and her cats' litter of kittens. In the afternoon, I am shown the birth of a goat (missed it by seconds) and at night I dream of baby animals and flying home.

REBIRTH. RENEWAL. REJUVENATION.
Happy to call this life my own!

World Peace.

Being in Pokhara for the last few days has re-energized me before I head back to the beautiful Bastola family and my health post. I've spent the last couple nights being social with a couple of the paragliders I met et al. We watched the US V's England world cup game at a packed bar (the only bar open in town. The streets were otherwise dead except for the stray dogs out for their daily social). I found myself perplexed as to who to support! I have now almost equaled the time I have spent in the US and the UK. I felt loyal to England. But they drew. PHEW!!

Today I spent my afternoon visiting the 'World Peace Pagoda'. A white washed dome that looms over Pokhara. Built to unite all people and encourage peace. I took a boat across Phewa Lake and hiked up the hillside (sticky and HOT!) before reaching its' amazing platform. The Himalaya were pushing through fluffy clouds and blue bird skies in the background. (I wish I could share these photos with you....in time!). I sat next to a few Nepali teenagers. They were listening to American music on their cell phone (not your typical "Ohm namah Shiva" chanting) . All the same songs I'd rock out to at top volume (only to accompany the craziness of NYC driving!) to driving back to Brooklyn from our numerous ski trips to Vermont, New Jersey, or upstate New York. I couldn't help but laugh at the irony. On my way back down to the lake, a young girl was sitting lotus position, meditating infront of one of many small stupas that are scattered throughout the hills. Her shirt read 'Brooklyn Girl'.

New York was in my consciousness today! When do I get to see you Miss. Liberty?

Back to simple living tomorrow. Back to civilization Thursday.
Peace!

Freedom.

Today I appreciate the freedom of my life. Today I chose the freedom to do nothing at all. Read a book. Enjoy the sun before the imminent monsoon. Sit. Think. Meditate. Explore my mind. Watch the locals cart mangoes, wrist bangles, and momo's along the street.

I am celebrating the freedoms and independence of my CHOSEN life! I must never forget that I was born with the right to 3 passports. The right to travel anywhere in the world as I please. As I choose. Many Nepali people cannot even leave their country. They cannot escape their life. Plastered on every street are adds for the dream of studying abroad. Many apply. Most are denied without being given a reason. They can't ever apply again. I've been approached by many young men here on the prospects of me taking them to America. A man can have more than one wife in Nepal so that never stops them from inquiring! I'm happily taken though!

Over and over I realize how my life is a PRIVILEGE. I can't let go of this while I'm here.

Taking flight.

I'm taking advantage of my weekend in Pokhara. Decided to book a paragliding flight. Was such a great experience. A great way to get to know the lay of the land, filled with valleys and mountains, Fewa lake and of course the Himalaya in the distance. I was lucky that I decided to do this today. Monsoon season is overdue and my paragliding pilot said he was leaving Nepal on Sunday. It's the end of the season and as I'm sitting here I can feel the winds bringing in some possible rain! 'Pete the Pilot' is from the Czech Republic but spent 10 years in Jackson Hole ski patrolling, bar tending and flying. The typical Alpine life! He's plugged into the outdoor community and we even know the same people! Was fun talking about the great outdoors with someone! I love how the outdoor community is filled with a network of people. Someone knowing someone. Great flight, great conversation.

Who knows what tomorrow brings?

(Pictures will have to wait. It's difficult finding an internet place with the correct hardware for my camara. It will come in due time!)

Dancing with the fireflies under the Himalayan stars with Mt. Nupste and Everest looking over.

Last night, the Bastolas celebrated a new home. I was led to the house, a stones throw away through the tall corn fields, by many of the Bastola children. I'm sure more than 50 of the Bastola caste was present. The women led the music with singing, traditional drums and other instruments while many of us danced Nepali style! We ate a second dinner out of woven leaves. Have I mentioned that they force feed you here! I've lost my appetite yet my plate is heavy and I'm expected to finnish it ALL. And yes I eat with my fingers and hands. Oh how Granny Burden would be rolling in her grave! An unforgettable Nepali experience indeed!

I feel like the 'Pied Piper of Hamlet' here! The children arrive home from school every day and spend the rest of the sunup with me. I'm relieved to be able to talk fluid english! Their schooling is mostly held in English so when I'm stumped by a communication barrier, they are close to translate. What would I do without them! These children are beautiful and I'm sure to miss them when I leave. They are full of laughter, young enough to not understand their poverty....yet.

My health post is a beautiful 10 minutes walk from my home. I see views of the terraced rice fields and the Himalaya, including Everest!!! The health post, unlike many in Nepal is adequately stocked with medication and supplies for most common ailments although the cleanliness makes me cringe (hence gastritis being very common) medications are haphazardly placed in a dirty cupboard. Despite the obvious lack of sanitation, locals get all their health care for free including many forms of contraception. Free health care. Such a novelty!

I am asked constantly what America is like. The answers always to the contrary. Shoba's cousin asked "do you eat rice three times a day or just twice in America"? I was blown away mostly by his reaction when I told him sometimes not even once in one week. I was having a similar conversation with Bimal (my "brother"). I told him that there are many people that have money but are not happy. I emmediately felt stupid for saying that. How could he possibly relate! Poverty, poverty, poverty. I'm surrounded by this.

I will admit that my living sitaution is a challenge. Completely out of my comfort zone. Far from any communication (except for my weekly trip to Pokhara) and far from 'comfort'. But, I will say that I love my Nepali family, and they love me. They always refer to me as "Annie mahyah". Annie my love. As my mother said "people who have little know how to give much with their heart".

I feel fortunate. I'm reminded of my PRIVILEGE every minute of my time here. I know I'll leave Nepal a different person.......for many years I've had this knowing that year 28 would be life changing for me. Here it is!

Gone Tribal!

Careful for what you wish for......
I am now in my placement. I am living with the Bastola family. They now insist that I am their family. My mother is now Ama Sitar, father Buwa Homnath, brother Bimal and the beautiful Shova. They farm their land. Rice, corn and millet. I'm missing all the creature comforts. All those I love to the "n'thpower". I eat rice for breakfast, lunch and dinner. All cooked (or not cooked) one way or another. I even helped to plant millet yesterday! Next to the house, and when I say house, the floors are dirt and electricity is to a minimum (and yes I shower - if you can call it that - under a running tap!). Next to the house are a family of yaks and the 2 goats graze on the rice feilds. The Bastolas cover one side of a valley. Their houses clustered communally. I've met countless aunts, uncles, grandmothers, etc etc etc. What has happened to my life! I have been thrown to the wolves! I am trying to stay in the here and now and not think too much of all these changes and the minimalism.

I am self conscious of being white with blonde hair. They don't think their black hair and dark skin is beautiful. I'm self consciouse of being from America. They're country lives in unrest and poverty. Countless times have I been asked how to go to America. I feel blessed to have a good life. I feel more and more blessed by what I have and those I love. I'm dicovering more and more what counts!

Namaste.

Annapurna.

Today is my last day in Kathmandu. In the early morning I head to Sarangkot which overlooks Pokhara and its' scenic lake. Its' backdrop - the Annapurna range in the Himalaya. I'm ready for a change of scenery! Mountains! Mountains! Mountains!

Nepal. I am awake and here to take you in fully!

Feeling that I can appreciate Nepal more now that I'm connected to the rising and setting of the sun. No longer feeling the effects of being on the other side of the world, leaving behind those I love and being completely discombobulated from a move cross country to arriving in the city I'll live in the next few ?? for half a day before departing for a two month trip to Nepal!

Kathmandu stirs up an array of emotions and feelings. The poverty and pollution is hard to look at at times. The river that runs through Kathmandu smells of decay and highlights the fact that I've been blessed with clean water my whole life; essential for the healthy human condition. I'm forever thankful! Otherwise, Kathmandu is a beautiful city. The Temples inspire the communion of different relegions and tolerance without imposing on ones' belief system. In fact Nepal survives happily without relegious tension. I think Nepal can teach the world a thing or two!

It's quite difficult to really include what all I've done here in Kathmandu the last few days. In summery, visited many temples including Swayambhunath (inhabited by monkeys), danced with traditional Nepali dancers, drank some discusting rice wine (lots), eaten tasty food, driven on the back of a motorbike through Kathmandu (Without a helmet! NOT a good idea!! No rules on any road!)...... goes on.... and on

Yesterday ended with a refreshing thunder and lightening storm with pouring rain the whole night. The monsoon season is about to begin. Still wandering what 'monsoon' means here in Nepal! Tomorrow I leave Kathmandu for a town high above Pokhara overlooking the Annapurna range. Sooooooo coooooooooool!!!!!!!!!!! STOKED!

Life is sweet!